• Selena Frongillo

How to Fall Head Over Heels (with Yourself)


how to love yourself

As human beings, we are conditioned to want love. It's the only thing that truly matters to us at the end of the day. When you ask those aged 75 and above to reflect on their life and what meant the most to them, you'll likely get an answer about their kids, grandkids, spouse, or friends - any meaningful relationship they cultivated throughout their life. Because this is what is important to us: Relationships. Acceptance. Love. Sure, we care about our careers, and where we got to travel to, and all the accomplishments we made along the way. But the true testament to a fulfilling life has to do with the relationships we foster - because, really, what does anything mean if we have no one to share them with?


But, what we tend to forget, is that we don't just create relationships with others throughout our lives. The most important relationship we must nurture is with ourselves. We focus on what others think of us - how can we alter ourselves so others want to date us, befriend us, hire us? But if we could only wrap our head around the fact that the only love we need is from ourselves.


Of course we cherish the connections we make with others, but fostering a spiritual connection with ourselves brings our lives to new heights, as we don't rely on external experiences or people to shape how we view our world. When we love ourselves fully, we no longer feel like we are lacking anything no matter our situation. We could be single, divorced, with no friends, alone on a desert island and if we have that fully encompassing, unconditional love of ourselves, we are whole. We feel as though we have everything that we need.


Seems like a strange concept, right? We are such social creatures that it's no surprise that we seek love elsewhere. But imagine how much stress and heartache we would save if we realized we could give ourselves all the love we've ever dreamed of? Wouldn't we lead drastically different lives if we changed our mindset from "needing" this love from outside factors to realizing we are the ones that have the power to give ourselves everything we've ever desired?


We come into this world with a full innate knowing that we are love. We do not obtain love, we embody it right from the first breath that we take. In a sense, we already have what we are searching for within us - we just need to learn how to retrieve it into consciousness again. We almost have to unlearn everything we've been taught and experienced throughout our lives thus far. We have to shed our judgment of other people, and especially that of ourselves.


When we think about what we want for our lives, many of us could boil it down to a simple answer: happiness. But what many of us don't realize is happiness is not a destination, it's a choice. Happiness, love, and acceptance all comes from within us. Our daily habits. Our self work. Our mindset. Our choices.


And it's okay if you don't have the answer yet (does anyone, really?). It's okay if you don't know how to flip this side of your brain on and say, hey I love my life, when we're in a global pandemic, your bills are piling up, and you're tired of sitting in your house day after day. But I'm here to give you a list of things you can do to fall head over heels with yourself and your life right now.


  1. Say "I love you" in the mirror - don't laugh at this one. Like I've said before, saying positive affirmations in the mirror consistently truly does rewire your brain and before you know it, you'll believe them.

  2. Remember that your thoughts are not always true - this is a hard one for us to conceptualize at times. Our thoughts constantly run rampant, and like I just said, if we tell ourselves something enough, we start to believe it. So catch yourself if you're overthinking too much or thinking negatively more often than not - oftentimes what we perceive to be true, doesn't accurately represent reality.

  3. Look at what you've overcome - no matter what your life looks like, you've survived every one of your worst days. Not your mom, your friend, or your boss - you did that! You're a freaking badass and will continue to conquer anything that stands in your way.

  4. Realize life is ever-changing - the good news for us is that we never have to stay stagnant (it's literally impossible for us to do so). If you don't like something about your life right now, you have the power to change it. Go after your dream job, end your toxic relationship, go travel the world and find yourself. Whatever speaks to you, follow that.

  5. You can be who you want to be - there is no rule that you have to be the same tomorrow as you are today. If you don't love yourself or who you're pretending to be to the world, then make a commitment to yourself to change and be who you aspire to be or who you authentically know yourself to be.

  6. You have your own back - at the end of the day, if you have literally nothing else, remember that you have you. You are the person that you spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with, so don't you want to love him/her? Wouldn't life be so much sweeter if we cared for ourselves the way we care for others?

  7. Don't let your actions define your worth - you are worthy if all you did was stay in bed today. You are worthy if you're unemployed right now, if you didn't work out today, if you ate the second piece of cake you were trying to stay away from. You are worthy just for being alive.

Moral of the story: no matter who you are or what your life looks like, you are love - you just have to see it and choose it.


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