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  • Writer's pictureSelena Frongillo

Spilling the Beans

Dating. The six letter word that used to make my skin crawl, head ache, and stomach turn. It was exhausting. Sifting through surface-level dating app profiles, attempting to put myself out there in person at bars, just for the same outcome every single time–rejected, ghosted, lead on, or all of the above. It was a full-time job that offered no benefits, except to learn exactly what I didn’t want.

It had gotten to a point where I simply could take no more. Years of being single, and it felt as though I had nothing to show for it. Which wasn’t true, of course. I had learned to cultivate my own happiness despite there being a missing piece in my life I had always hoped to fill. I learned to be independent, to focus on the relationships I did have (which, as a gemini, is frankly the most important aspect of my life). I learned about what I didn’t want, which in turn, helped me realize what I did want. And I can proudly say that I have not settled for less than that (hence the years of solitude).

And then, one Saturday in May, I met someone. Not on a dating app, not at a bar. It was through a friend, which in my personal opinion, was the most ideal way to meet someone, though I never really believed it would happen that way.

What strikes me as funny looking back is we barely spoke 10 words to each other that first day. Once he found out I went to his rival college in baseball, the look on his face made it clear for me to get lost. And yet, the next day, he kept asking my friend about me. I met them out in the city that day and, well, things have consistently progressed ever since.

While it wasn’t the “knight in shining armor” instant sweep off my feet, in just a little over one month, I feel as though I have already learned an infinite amount about dating and relationships as I’ve gotten to know this man as he’s slowly but surely infiltrated my life and if I’m honest…my heart.

Men can be open & vulnerable

This one was very new to me, in the best way. I had never encountered someone so upfront with their intentions and so fast. I had also never encountered anyone sharing their fears, desires, and past with me so candidly and openly. It was a breath of fresh air that I couldn’t (and still can't) get enough of.

A partner can help heal old wounds

Everyone has triggers, and healing work that needs to be done. What I didn’t realize was that the right person can help you heal the wounds that were created in past relationships so that the healing work doesn’t have to be done all on your own. Without getting too much into specifics, I’ve learned that history doesn’t have to repeat itself–there are partners out there that want to help you heal, as you want to for them, and take action steps in helping you do so.

There is no correct way to date

While we may think we know this, we all tend to have a “script” that we think is the “right” way to begin a relationship with someone. We may think, it’s too soon for that, it will never work if we do that, whatever those things may be. But the reality of it is that you have no idea what works and what is “right” for you until you’re in it.

Your past relationships can be a guideline, but a new relationship is not your past ones (tip: those didn’t work for a reason, so maybe do things a little differently!) I’ve learned that sometimes our feelings change on what we’re willing to do to make something work. We must let go of what our imaginary script says, what the outside world says, what rom-coms say, and figure out what works for us and only us.

Good men exist

Sure, this should go without saying, but when you’ve been in the dating pool for quite some time (especially in Boston…), you’re bound to be convinced that there are simply no good ones left. I feel the most grateful to say that they’re out there, and the universe finally let me in on this little secret. Someone who has checked so many boxes, from being thoughtful, driven, handsome, and fun, to so much more, I can’t wait to see where things lead us. But no matter what, thank you for hearing me, having fun with me, and teaching me. I've learned more in these short weeks than I have in my previous 25 years.

Two (beans) in a pod. This one’s for you.

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Jul 12, 2022

Love this Selena. So happy you have connected with someone and feeling positive about it. The journey of dating and relationships and love can be challenging at times. We all experience it and hopefully grow from these challenges.

My wish for you is continue growing and keep your heart open. Learn from your past and always have hope for your future. Love you always. Mom

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